“I talk about talking like I listen to listening—in a room with mirrored walls that makes me appreciate the infinity that is God.”

“We talked for four hours. Well, I talked for four, and she listened for two.
”

“He’s like my best friend. And I say that only because I have no real friends, and Cap’n is a great listener (he never interrupts when I’m talking—and I’m always the one doing all the talking). The day he does respond to me will probably be the best day of my life, because it means my walls are finally padded.”

“My wife keeps me busy while she talks—I’m not listening, but rather making the air masturbation gesture.”

“My wife won’t talk to me, but that’s OK, because it’s not like I’d listen if she did.”

“I told her I'd rather talk about her, instead of listening to her drone on about the weather. Little did I know she was an aspiring meteorologist.”

“I like how cats’ ears can flip inside out. It’s as if they’re saying, Keep talking, human, but I’m not even listening.”