“I talked to a calzone for fifteen minutes last night before I realized it was just an introverted pizza. I wish all my acquaintances were so tasty.”

“My reputation precedes me. It shows up about fifteen minutes before I do, eats, and then leaves without paying or tipping.”

“I drove 30 miles to buy some breath mints before I realized I had some already in my pocket. Then it took me another 30 minutes to figure out they weren’t breath mints at all—they were aspirins.”

“I sure wish deodorant tasted like butter, because then I could keep mashed potatoes warm and tasty in my armpits all day long.”

“I just realized my lips are inside out. They should be turned inwards, because I spend most of my time talking to myself.”

“I would answer the door for the pizza delivery guy wearing my birthday suit, but it had cake all over it so I sent it to be dry cleaned.”

“I wish success could be ordered like delivery pizza, because I’d order take out.”