“I taught a college course called “Of Course!: Helping the Oblivious Realize the Obvious.” Nobody showed up to class, probably because the time and location weren’t obvious enough.”

“Nobody can make you feel ignorant but you—the you from before, the one who skipped school and slept in class. By you, of course, I mean me.”

“I was rubbing the pieces of bacon like they were strands of a lover’s hair. Of course they weren’t, because all my exes had hair like scrambled eggs.”

“Growing up, the only class I didn’t doodle in was Art class, because there I’d get to spend the whole time drawing.”

“The US is at a point where just when the people imagine things can’t get any worse, they realize their imaginations weren’t big enough.”

“I notice your absence. I notice your non presence and reflect on the time you were present, in the present, which is obviously in the past.”

“If my last name were Bedient, I’d want to Irishize it and have you call me O’Bedient. Of course, just because you call me, doesn’t mean I’ll come.”