“I tell people she’s a pile of apples, and that I can’t wait to get in cider.”

“I can tell time, but I can’t tell time to stop or fuck off.”

“There’s this girl who’s obsessed with me. I would tell you what she looks like, but she’s transparent. But I will tell you that she does have a sexy voice.”

“Don’t tell me your name. If you don’t tell me your name, I can’t hurt your feelings by forgetting it.”

“I can’t remember the last time I had fun. Wait, yes I can. It was 1989, and I was wearing a t-shirt that said, “Communism, like the mullet, will never go out of style.”

“I can’t tell my ass from a hole in the ground. Especially if that hole is hairy and emits foul odors.”

“With gift giving, if it’s the thought that counts, then a picture of a Mercedes is just as good as an actual Mercedes. With my new camera, I can’t wait to show you how much I love you!”