“I think a funny picture would have a caption that read, “Believe in yourself,” with an accompanying image of a wilting flower.”

“You can’t believe every word you read while watching TV. (Even with closed captioning turned off).”

“I am but a flower. Do with me what thou wilt.”

“She said, “You disgust me. How do you live with yourself?” So I said, “Like I live with my clone: with many pats on the back, accompanied by high flattery.”

“If I’m going to write a book every American will want to read, it’s got to have lots of pictures. Those pictures must also move, and all the words in the book must be spoken and available audibly for all the readers to hear as they watch.”

“My love is like the shape your mouth makes while you whistle. Would you mind if I accompanied you on my harmonica?”

“The picture is bad because the photographer was poor. I took the picture myself, and you can clearly tell I have no money.”