“I think I have a strange thing growing out of my neck that causes me to think too much.”

“Both things have pros, and both have cons, but I think the pros and cons equal out leaving me unequal to the task of choosing.”

“My erection at noon causes an elongated shadow so black you’d think I was an albino.”

“My brain is an amazing machine. Too bad I can’t take credit for it. As brilliant as I am, think how profound the Designer that created me is.”

“When I see a poor person I think of me, and then I think, maybe I should pay my clones for all the work they do for me. Then I think, nah, they’re only slaves. Through my clones, I am a slave to myself.”

“A kiss involves two people, so I not only have to think about me for me, I have to think about me for her, her for her, and her for me.”

“Love is a boomerang dripped in honey, in that it emanates from me just as surely as it will return to me. Still, I think I’d much rather wash my hands and be done with it.”