“I think I just inhaled a cloud shaped like the ghost of my grandpa, and all I have to say is grandma smelled better.”

“I think I just inhaled a cloud. That’s what I get for not wearing a gas mask while riding my Pegasus.”

“I lost my virginity in the back seat of a Buick. Not because I’m a romantic, but because my grandpa and grandma were in the front seats.”

“I want a camera shaped like a jail, so I can capture a ghost on film.”

“You like vodka, and I like carpet cleaner. You should try it. It’ll put hair on your chest—really clean hair. Grandpa said it would make me a better lover, but I made me a better lover—and I made it out of clay.”

“My grandma came over yesterday, and I had just jumped out of the shower, so I answered the door in my towel. I know it was a little indecent, but I didn’t have time to dry off and change out of my wetsuit.”

“I love how babies look like old people. I saw a baby the other day that looked exactly like my grandpa, only taller.”