“I think the key indicator for wealth is not good grades, work ethic, or IQ. I believe it's relationships. Ask yourself two questions: How many people do I know, and how much ransom money could I get for each one?”

“I guess I should be thankful. Full of thank. But what is thank? I can't eat thank, so I know my stomach isn't full of thank. I can't smell or breathe thank, so I know my lungs aren't full of thank. I'm not even sure how much thank I could fit in the trunk of my car. But I do know one thing. It's much easier to give thanks than something that actually costs money to give.”

“I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.”

“A brick could be used as a way to motivate yourself to succeed. I’m proof that it works. It’s how I managed to get second to last in my last race. 
”

“There is one woman I’ve dated I just can’t seem to forget, no matter how much I drink or how many concussions I give myself.”

“He’ll think I’ll do it, he’ll act like I’ll do it, and so I will do it. But if he will think differently, maybe I will act differently. But I know me, I know him, he knows himself, he knows me, and he is my clone, so we will each act exactly how we think we will, and we will each act like the other, and this is why I’ll have to kill him.”

“The most the average person probably reads in a day is a STOP sign or two. And based on how people drive in Jacksonville, I don’t think they even read that much.”