“I think the two greatest inventions in the history of mankind are the remote control and the fingernail clipper. Now, if someone could just combine those two, I’d be very eager to clip my nails from across the room.”

“If I walked in on two of my clones having sex, I’d think it was gay, incestuous, and just plain rude to have not invited me.”

“My TV’s remote control didn’t have a source of energy, so I poured coffee in it. Now I can read any book I want.”

“I’d race my motorcycle across the ocean just to avoid swimming in the desert. Ladies, I hope this indicates what kind of lover I’d make.”

“We rode the merry-go-round like a couple of lovers. We weren’t though; we were just two horse enthusiasts from two different worlds (I think she was from Mars).”

“I don’t think anybody’s ever written a song called, “There’s urine on the couch, and the remote control is in the shower.” I would write it myself, but I’ve never been very good at writing love ballads.”

“If I could die saving two lives, I would, provided each of those two people were the kind of people who would die to save two more like them.”