“I think trees should bloom earlier in the spring. They act like they are on a schedule. It’s not like they have anywhere to go.”

“Should I masturbate before we meet up? I don’t want to be horny and thinking with my dick the whole time. I mean, it’s not like it’s a date. For Pete’s sake, it’s a job interview.”

“He’ll think I’ll do it, he’ll act like I’ll do it, and so I will do it. But if he will think differently, maybe I will act differently. But I know me, I know him, he knows himself, he knows me, and he is my clone, so we will each act exactly how we think we will, and we will each act like the other, and this is why I’ll have to kill him.”

“It’s spring now, and I was just thinking that I haven’t been in love since the fall. The fall of the Roman Empire.”

“Sometimes it feels like I’m walking around with bricks for shoes, not going anywhere.”

“I like to pet trees—especially if they have furry leaves.”

“I like to schedule dentist appointments for March 32, otherwise known as April Fool’s Day.”