“I tie my smile like a shoelace.”

“I can tie a cherry stem into a knot with my tongue. Now, if only I could do the same with my shoelaces, I wouldn’t have to banana pudding my way to success.”

“A tie is like an arrow pointing to my crotch. A tie is also like an even score.”

“I had a dream about you last night. We started a shoe company, and a competitor (probably someone from Nike) attacked you, so I had to stab them in the throat with a shoelace. I guess it would have been better to use that shoelace to strangle them. 
”

“I don't want to be tied down in a relationship, I want to be tied down during sex.”

“Learning how to love is like learning how to tie your shoes, and that’s precisely why I wear slippers.”

“I could tell we were going to get along from the way he wiped his ass—on my tie.”