“I told her “Have a good weekend.” Then I thought, “Idiot. It’s Sunday night.”

“What are you doing Saturday or Sunday? I’m free this weekend. But come Monday I go back to being a slave.”

“I saw her at the party last Saturday. I could tell by her body language that she wanted me. She was wearing a shirt that said, “I want you Jarod.” I left alone that night. Come Sunday morning, I found out that she went home with Jarod Wheedlebreeder. I guess the bonds of Jarod aren’t as tight as I thought.”

“I suspect I’ll be suspicious for my whole life that Saturday night is sleeping with Sunday morning.”

“Sunday nights I get about two inches of sleep. But I make do, because that’s all the erection I can muster.”

“Agatha told me she was late, and I thought, I haven’t slept with her in years—she really must be late. I’m going to be a father!”

“I once saw a snake having sex with a vulture, and I thought, It’s just business as usual in Washington DC.”