“I told her she should come back to my place because it’d just won sixth place in the Living Room Olympics, and sixth place is like double bronze.”

“The Bronze Age was such a third-place era.”

“The car wash sign said, “Free Vacuums.” So I told them I wanted a high-powered Dyson. I figured it’d be a good gift for my girl, so she could stop sweeping the living room carpet.”

“I want a trophy wife, because the only thing I’ve ever won is a fourth-place ribbon in the fourth grade. I’d treat her well, and I wouldn’t let her get too dusty on the shelf.”

“I bought a zoo, which is funny, because I own the very place that should own me.”

“I thought I was placing my hand on her knee. But it turned out to be her saggy boob.”

“A bathroom that doubles as an elevator would be a great place to open a coffee shop—but only if it’s a Starbucks.”