“I traded in my car with no gas in the tank and my new car came with a full tank. So I at least profited there. That makes me appreciate my depreciation more.”

“My gas tank is on empty, but my erection is on full. Still, it would be wise to stop the car before I pump.”

“I wired my gas pedal to my stereo, so now when I crank up the volume the car accelerates.”

“My blender has a more powerful engine than my car, but my car doesn’t make smoothies as well. I drive a Toyota Starbucks Limited Edition.”

“What I want more than a car that goes from Point A to Point B, is a car that stops. I make it a point to break for love. My horn is broke—and so am I, but I get paid Friday.”

“I want a house with a garage, so someone from the government won’t try to park a tank in my living room.”

“I can’t get car parts at Lowes, the home improvement store? If I lived in my car, my car would be my home.”