“I tried being 29, and it worked for about a year, but finally I just had to get rid of it.”

“After our date, I spent about an hour trying to get in her pants before finally giving up. Her pocket was just too tight.”

“I’m 32 years old and I’m tired. It’s because I haven’t drank enough coffee. If I had, I’d probably only be 29.”

“I’m in great shape. I’m 30 years old, and I feel like I’m 29.”

“Last February had 29 days. It wasn’t a leap year, but me and 28 of my clones each remember that month as if it were a day.”

“After years of searching, I finally found love. I found it in the unlikeliest of places: My best friend’s bed, right after he leaves for work every morning.”

“I only need to write about 3,000 one-liners a day to produce a million jokes a year. Simple. I’ll just get started after I take a nap.”