“I used his severed hand as a murder weapon. I hope I didn’t get my fingerprints on his fingerprints.”

“If I shake your hand, will I get my fingerprints all over your fingertips? I hope not. Otherwise the crime scene, and the shaft of my penis, is riddled with my fingerprints.”

“I always wear gloves, so at any moment I could commit a crime and not be worried about fingerprints. Plus, it saves on buying hand sanitizer.”

“My dad was born poor, made a fortune during his life, and then died suddenly—murdered by his only son, leaving his vast estate to a daughter I didn’t know he had.”

“If I were to hold up a bank with my index finger and my thumb as the “gun,” then I hope I wouldn’t try to use half my weapon to hitchhike my escape from the police.”

“I hope you enjoy reading my book as much as I didn’t enjoy writing it. Just kidding! I hope you don’t enjoy it at all.”

“I know great art when someone doesn’t wash their hands after making it. And not only did Duchamp not wash his hands, but he didn’t even flush!”