“I used to spend a lot of time in lap pools. Growing up I was on a few swim teams. In Florida all there is to do is surf, swim, golf, and try to pick up single women at the retirement home.”

“My time at the pool went swimmingly. Better than a nude beach, because I was the only one who was naked.”

“I am the bathtub of desire, but damnit woman, I saw you eyeing that swimming pool.”

“When I was growing up, I’d walk to school in the snow. In Florida. Uphill all three ways.”

“Every morning I cheer on my Cheerios, but I don’t really want them to win. Secretly I’m trying to drown them and eat them—just like I tried to do to my teammates in my tenure on my high school swim team.”

“I swam in the neighborhood peel. I mean pool. I guess I threw that pee in there because the swimming experience left a bad taste in my mouth.”

“A blanket could be used to communicate with dolphins. Be quiet! I’m trying to talk to the swimming mammals. 
”