“I walk with a purpose. And a limp. (The limp helps serve my purpose, which is to gain sympathy.)”

“Doors open up for you when you work hard. Doors also open up for you when you walk with a limp and act gimpy.”

“I have a handicap on the golf course like you wouldn’t believe. It’s more than a limp, and less than a wheelchair.”

“It’s a cliché to say that men think with their penises. But it’s a fact. And penises are notoriously stupid. My penis, for example, probably only has an IQ of 144, or about 12 times its length in inches when limp.”

“Walking along the sidewalk and staring at the street, I couldn’t help but wonder if my date was thinking how provocative the term “manhole cover” is.”

“A brick could be used in the same manner as a magician’s hat could be used as a basketball. I’m not suggesting a brick replace a basketball, because that’d be silly. But not as silly as the idea of paying people millions of dollars to put a rubber ball in a rim, while engineers, inventors, teachers, you know, productive people, limp along financially.
”

“A lawyer, a politician, and a prostitute walk into a bar, and the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve your kind here.” And I’d have to agree. Serves them right for being so sleazy.”