“I want a 100% kind of relationship, and I’m willing to give it 50%.”

“In a relationship, I’m committed to giving her 100% of 50%.”

“I’m 100% certain of the quality of story I’m writing until I finish the outline and actually begin to write. At this point, I’m 100% certain the story sucks and I will never show it to another living soul. Until I type “THE END.” At this point, I’m 50% certain it sucks, 50% certain it’s brilliant, and 100% certain if I don’t show it to someone I will spontaneously combust.”

“Don’t be jealous if I spend 50% of my time with you, and 50% of my time with others, because you get 100% of 50%, while all the others have to share that other 50%.” This is the speech I’ve prepared to tell my wife in the future, when I’m spending a majority minus one percent of my time with my clones.”

“If you're 50 years old or younger, give every book about 50 pages before you decide to commit yourself to reading it, or give it up.If you're over 50, which is when time gets shorter, subtract your age from 100 - the result is the number of pages you should read before deciding whether or not to quit. If you're 100 or over you get to judge the book by its cover, despite the dangers in doing so.”

“Whether you live to be 50 or 100 makes no difference, if you made no difference in the world.”