“I want a beard as white as snow, and two feet deep.”

“I saw a white toilet, with no plumbing, alone in a field of snow. Well, almost alone. There were two naked albinos and a polar bear sitting on it, and I felt inspired to write a love poem.”

“I want to grow a Loyalty Beard, to prove my commitment to my favorite shaving cream.”

“I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair.”

“I have a beard of fog that I wear on misty mornings. It’s not cigarette smoke, but I’d understand if you wanted to shave it off and inhale it.”

“I want a white car that turns red when I’m embarrassed.”

“I thought she was sexy until I noticed she had a beard.”