“I want an ocean job, but they’re hard to land.”

“I keep a large map of the world hanging above my bed. Everybody wants to own land, but I want to own the oceans.”

“I wouldn’t advise making a four-year commitment to eventually land an $8.00/hour job. Skip college. Read Wikipedia for free instead.”

“The US has the highest incarceration rate in the world. I don’t want to release the prisoners—I want to lease them. If they’re not going to work, they might as well not work for me.”

“I want to read the employment section of the Bible. I think it’s simply called Job.”

“On any job application I ever do, if they want my references, I always list the Bible.”

“When certain people can’t figure out why a certain place produces a certain thing, they tend to say, “There must be something in the water.” And I always think, “Yeah, there is something in the water. They’re called fish. They grow on land, you moron.”