“I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair.”

“No matter how hard I try, I can’t grow facial hair on my chest.”

“I want to grow a Loyalty Beard, to prove my commitment to my favorite shaving cream.”

“In the name of freedom and redistribution of wealth, I’ve decided to grow a beard on my chest.”

“I have hair on my chest. And it’s purring.”

“A brick could have been used as a father figure in place of my dad when I was growing up, because a brick may be dumb, but at least it isn’t dumb and interfering in its absence. By not being a part of my life, my dad became a big part of my life, because my thoughts were influenced by his image and infused with fantasy as I attempted to alter the reality that he wanted little to do with me. And what else would you call not wanting to be a part of your son’s life but dumb? So this Father’s Day, I’m drinking to the dad I never had—a brick. 
”

“I like to switch things up by keeping things the same. People never expect it.”