“I want to assure you, I’m not that kind of pervert. But don’t worry, goat lady, there’s somebody for everybody. Or anybody for nobody. Maybe I have that backwards, and upside down.”

“No, lady, you didn’t have sex with me, you had sex with my clone. I’m sorry, but I don’t know you.”

“-There’s a beautiful woman here for you who wants to have sex.
-Tell her I’m married. Then tell her I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

“Somebody knocked, and I’m glad it wasn’t her. I mean I want her to come, but I thought it was him, so I ignored the knock and that’s why I’m glad it wasn’t her. I wouldn’t want to have ignored the very person I wanted to show up.”

“I’m working hard to edit my book, so I can get it up for sale so that nobody can rush out and buy it. Hurry and purchase! You don’t want to be the first one to not be the first one.”

“We all want somebody to share our life and love with. But if there are an odd number of people on the earth, and there’s a 50% chance there is, then somebody is going to get left out. And that somebody isn’t going to be me, even if I have to kill that one guy to make the world balanced.”

“A brick could be used measure the volume of love in any given bathtub. But for the test to be accurate, I’m going to need you to disrobe and step down here. Don’t worry, I’m already naked and in the water—and it’s warm. 
”