“I want to be a naughty pirate, because when I put on that eye patch, it barely covers my genitals.”

“If love were a pirate, then maybe I would wear an unopened condom over my eye, like an eye patch, and shave off all my pubes and glue them to my face and call myself “Dick Beard.”

“The kitten I got is black and white and has long hair. Really long hair (think Willie Nelson). I decided to call him Cap’n because his markings make him look like a pirate. The majority of his face is white, except over his left eye is a black patch of fur, like an eye patch, and under his chin he has black hair that’s long and comes to a point like a goatee. Also, when I got him he had a parrot on his shoulder and a wooden leg.”

“I am patriotic. When the Pledge of Allegiance is going on, I solemnly place my right hand over my genitals.”

“I’ll put some ice in your coffee, to cover up the fact that it was already cold and old. I do this because my love for you is slightly warmer and newer.”

“I don’t think that taking off my eye patch would increase my night vision by 100%, but it would go a long way towards relieving my wedgie.”

“I could never be a chef, because I could ‘t bare the thought of my art always turning to shit.”