“I want to be the world’s safest fashion designer. And I always wear my seatbelt, especially when I’m in the car.”

“I want a white car that turns red when I’m embarrassed.”

“Vacation, I go there in my mind. Especially when I’m at work, getting paid for it.”

“I like using scented markers. Especially when I’m trying to color the inside of my nostrils.”

“I always wear my seat belt when I drive a point home.”

“I can fly a plane, but I can’t fly a planet. Not without a seatbelt the size of the equator. The way I eat @McDonalds, I may need a seatbelt that fat.”

“My eyes change color depending on my mood and what I’m wearing. If I’m wearing an acorn brown shirt, my eyes look like squirrel fur. And if I’m wearing no shirt at all, my eyes look more nude and flesh-colored. I guess my ex girlfriend, Zelda, said it best when her friend asked her what I look like and she said: “He looks like you’d imagine him to look like, if you had no imagination.”