“I want to grow a flower for every time someone tells me “F*** you.” Then I’ll go back to that person and pin the flower on their lapel in a gesture of friendship. And while they are looking down on it in astonishment, I’ll bunch up my knuckles and punch them in the face.”

“If anybody ever tells me to face them like a man, I’ll get offended, because my face can’t grow a beard.”

“My favorite flower is the tulip. I’m crazy like Holland about them. I’ll even pay as much as $1,637 for one.”

“I can’t tell you how much I love kissing ass. Especially wealthy, cellulose-stippled ass. But I’ll smile as big as a personified yellow circle and assure the hiring manager that I was born to serve. I’ll tell him that while other kids wanted to be cops or firemen when they grew up, I wanted to be Florence Nightingale.”

“If you tell me I look familiar but you just can’t place it, I’ll tell you that with two ears, two eyes, two lips, and a nose, I just must have one of those faces.”

“I’ll write the time on my wrist, and I’ll cover it up by wearing a watch.”

“I need to lay low for a while. I’ll be on my stomach, trying not to arch my back (damn scoliosis).”