“I want to head up a committee to discuss how to properly head up committees. Our committee will sit at a round table and talk in circles all day long.”

“If the word "committee" were an acronym, the two "T"s would stand for time travel. How else can a group waste so much time unless they feel they can always go back and retrieve it?”

“Tell the negative committee that meets inside your head to sit down and shut up.”

“Sitting on my ass all day long is fun and all, but I’d rather sit on your ass. More padding, like an overstuffed sofa.”

“One day I want to be so wealthy I can say to my wife, “let’s take a drive—to the end of our driveway and back” and have that be a two-hour round trip.”

“I want to kidnap kids and force them to take useless tests all day long. Wait, that’s what our public education system already does.”

“I can’t tell you how much I love kissing ass. Especially wealthy, cellulose-stippled ass. But I’ll smile as big as a personified yellow circle and assure the hiring manager that I was born to serve. I’ll tell him that while other kids wanted to be cops or firemen when they grew up, I wanted to be Florence Nightingale.”