“I want to hold my grandpa in my arms and pet him while I fall asleep. That’s why I’m learning to play the guitar.”

“One thing my grandpa taught me was never fall asleep while swimming. Or, rather, I’m sure he would have taught me that if he had the chance. (He drowned when he was a little boy.)”

“My cat stood still like a furry statue. I wanted to go pet it, but I ended up petting a painting instead. Ah, but that’s life, no?”

“I wouldn’t want the guests at my birthday party confusing my celebration with the Oscars. That’s why I’m having the awards ceremony after we eat cake and I open my presents.
”

“I’m going to name my firstborn son 0123456789, because I want him to learn to count before he learns the alphabet. And my second son I’ll call 01, because I want him to get into computers at a young age.”

“I gave him a pet name, even though he wasn’t my pet, he was my boss. I don’t know why he fired me. I thought “Dick Nose” was a delightfully cute name.”

“I lost my virginity in the back seat of a Buick. Not because I’m a romantic, but because my grandpa and grandma were in the front seats.”