“I want to keep a human mouth on my coffee table. It’ll be a great conversation starter.”

“Do you find it erotic how my pants bulge in the crotch, where I keep my coffee cup?”

“I met a man from Columbia who had a table for a back. I asked if it was a coffee table. He got offended and thought I was stereotyping him. How was I supposed to know it was a Three-drawer Wuchow Console Table?”

“I want to steal 100 years. If I get caught, it’ll be the trial of the century.”

“In exchange for my silence, I want a box of quiet. Empty—and full.
That’s also how I like my morning coffee at night.”

“I want to screw a license plate into your ass. It’ll say HNK F HRNY
”

“I want to create a cologne that smells like a whisper. It’ll be for all the secret admirers out there.”