“I want to make a splash in the world, and I want to make one with my dry wit. My dry wit is wetter than you’d imagine.”

“I want a one-bedroom house with cup holders. I want to live in my car, and make the road my home.”

“If I ever see an alien fishing in Scotland, and witness it catching the Loch Ness Monster, I’d probably assume the world would want me to write a poem about the event, rather than take pictures of it.”

“With my career I want to either make something or make an impact. Writers both make something, and make an impact.”

“I waste more time trying to save time than I would if I were merely inefficient. One woman told me I make love like a fish in the desert, and I believed her, because she looked like a dry fish fucker to me.”

“If a gorgeous woman hits on me right off the bat, I’m suspicious. I wonder what she wants. If she hasn’t heard my wit, felt my charm, how could I appeal to her? I’m no Brad Pitt. So what is she after? Most likely it’s my horse cock.”

“I let the feeling wash over me, and then I dried off with a fur coat and went for a walk on my unicycle.”