“I want to sit on the sofa, eating potato chips, while wearing one of those vibrating ab belts and getting a workout.”

“If I could store any character quality in a cookie jar, I’d store patience. Chocolate-chip patience cookies. And I’d eat them all at one sitting.”

“I used a bag of potato chips as a sock once. Roll Tide!”

“I want to be strapped to a table, while a family of chickens argues over who gets to eat my legs.”

“I don’t like to brag or frighten, but I’ve got a black belt. And a brown one, which I sometimes wear with black slacks.”

“I always wear my seat belt when I drive a point home.”

“To attract a lover, you need to craft the perfect Craigslist ad. Here’s mine: Free TV with purchase of potato chips and couch.”