“I want to type one of my books into a free online translation website, and convert it from English to German and then publish the results as an exercise in the absurd.”

“I want to publish a book on toilet paper—not only about toilet paper, but actually print it on toilet paper. That way nobody will be surprised by how shitty my book is.”

“Pluto will always be a planet in my book. That’s because my book was published before Pluto was blacklisted by planetary scientists.”

“I’m trying to translate what my cat says and put it in a book, but how many homonyms are there for meow?”

“I’m exercising my right to free speech, because it used to be obese. For years all it did was sit on the sofa watching TV.”

“It’s hard to type with gloves on. It’s also hard to type with just an erection. It’s basically like typing with one finger, and in my case, a pinky.”

“Your writing can be chosen by one publisher and hated by all readers, or it can be rejected by one publisher and loved by all readers. Most of the time it’s somewhere in between, but either way, don’t let rejection stop you from being hated.”