“I want to write a book so long that it will take the average person their whole life to read. It will be exactly the same length as the Bible.”

“I want to read the employment section of the Bible. I think it’s simply called Job.”

“The most the average person probably reads in a day is a STOP sign or two. And based on how people drive in Jacksonville, I don’t think they even read that much.”

“I’ve found newspapers only useful as kindling material for campfires. It’s been said that newspaper articles are written at a fifth grade reading level. If so, I can’t figure out why journalists would write something that the average high school senior can’t even read.”

“More people are leaving TV behind to read my books than ever before. In the last year alone I gained over two readers (three, to be exact). So I’d like to take a moment and say thanks mom, dad, and kidnap victim I keep chained in the basement.”

“I want to write my own eulogy, and I want to write it in Latin. It seems only fitting to read a dead language at my funeral.”

“My TV’s remote control didn’t have a source of energy, so I poured coffee in it. Now I can read any book I want.”