“I was looking for a reassuring hand to hold and steady my own, and I finally found it on the other side of my body.”

“My body had some sort of reaction to my erection, and the only thing I could think to do was vigorously rub the affected area. By the look on their faces, I could tell the other people in the restaurant found my holistic technique horrifying, and they didn’t appreciate the grasp of the situation I held at that moment.”

“After being videotaped, I found that I talk a lot with my hands. Especially if my hands are covered with socks. I guess I get really nervous on first dates.”

“After years of searching, I finally found love. I found it in the unlikeliest of places: My best friend’s bed, right after he leaves for work every morning.”

“If I were alone with my clone, and we were enjoying each others' solitude, I'd have finally have met a man with whom I could hold a conversation consisting entirely of the repetitive response, "Yes, I agree!”

“I celebrate my birthday in ways not seen this side of the Old Testament. I celebrate my life like the Dead Sea, and my party is a BYOP (bring your own plague) event.”

“At five in the morning, I was half asleep. The whole left side of my body was taking a nap. Seems I’m also always half in love, from my waist down.”