“I was nine minutes late for my last birthday party. And I was nine months on time for my first birthday.”

“On every birthday, when I wake, I now take out the old Nagan, load it with one bullet, spin the chamber and pull the trigger with the barrel in my mouth. I've cheated death nine times. It is my greatest achievement. And three months to go to my next birthday. I can't wait.”

“What I need is for your mother to have thought a little harder nine months before your birthday.”

“I broke up with Ren a year and nine months ago. Soon it will be two springs.My 20th birthday is in march. I'm working hard to buy myself a present.A one-way ticket to Tokyo.I will just carry my guitar and cigarettes.”

“At first I was exhilarated by my freedom from the responsibility of the kingship. This lasted about seven minutes. I was also depressed by my freedom from marriage, for I had become accustomed to the attentions of a woman. This lasted about nine minutes. Then I was bored.”

“I hear laughter and someone asks if I need help, not in a nice way. I snarl, 'What I need is for your mother to have thought a little harder nine months before your birthday.”