“I was rubbing the pieces of bacon like they were strands of a lover’s hair. Of course they weren’t, because all my exes had hair like scrambled eggs.”

“She had lips like two wavy slices of crisp bacon, and her kisses felt like gravy on my scrambled eggs tongue. We made love like we made breakfast—and then we made brunch like rabbits.”

“Like eggs, I’m scrambling to get ahead in this economic depression.”

“The radio signal was scrambled, and so were my eggs. I got tired of eating commercial breaks for breakfast.”

“I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair.”

“The kitten I got is black and white and has long hair. Really long hair (think Willie Nelson). I decided to call him Cap’n because his markings make him look like a pirate. The majority of his face is white, except over his left eye is a black patch of fur, like an eye patch, and under his chin he has black hair that’s long and comes to a point like a goatee. Also, when I got him he had a parrot on his shoulder and a wooden leg.”

“I like my relationships like I like my eggs. Over easy.”