“I watch basketball like I watch baseball: I don’t. I’d much rather watch grass grow. Actually, golf isn’t that bad.”

“When I meet a European, the first thing I say is, “I’d much rather watch football than football.” But I’m just teasing them, and they know I’d really rather watch football than football.”

“To me, the most confusing part about golf is that I don’t know whether I’d rather actually be playing golf, or sitting on the green composing haikus about the landscaping.”

“I watch baseball on TV like my cat watches the window. Somebody open the blinds so we can see better!”

“I don’t call watches watches, I call them grasps, because one, they grasp onto your wrist, and two, time isn’t something you can watch; it’s a concept you have to grasp.”

“I like watching baseball as much as my grandma’s left ear is loud. (She’d probably give her right ear for a left ear that wasn’t soundproof).”

“I've been able to sleep with my eyes open ever since I started watching baseball.”