“I weigh more than I used to. I've been eating a lot of fast food, so I must have put on some muscle—without even working out!”

“I just weighed myself, and I thought I weighed 165, but it turns out I weigh 180. Wow! I’ve put on muscle mass and I haven’t even been working out at all!”

“I live 30 times faster and more intensely than most people, so every year is a whole generation for me. I’d like my combo meal with a side of long white beard, and I’d like it to go. Now, damnit! Fast food simply isn’t fast enough for me. I’m so quick that I need a refill on my drink, and I haven’t even taken a sip.”

“I worked with a sketch artist, but I was driving fast when I saw the suspect, so the drawing came out blurry.”

“It takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile, which make sense because yesterday I frowned so much I ended up pulling my groin muscle.”

“The burden of proof weighs a lot, but it’s not as heavy as a certain 19th century German philosopher’s mustache. Trust me, I used to lift weights using that mustache like it was a dumbbell.”

“Some men eat dinner with silverware. Some use chopsticks. I prefer zippers.”