“I went dumpster diving the other day, and each of the judges gave me a perfect score of 10.”

“Two days ago, Tuesday at 10:10 am, I gave birth to a bagel. And God commanded me to slice up my only begotten bagel in two, and who am I to argue with God? So I did it. Then I ate it. I’m not proud of the last part, but at the time it seemed like the right thing to do.”

“She grew broccoli, and I grew dentures. We were perfect for each other. Our love disappeared into each other like a box of toothpicks.”

“The other day I went to the Huddle House. I wasn’t hungry, I just wanted to call some plays.”

“A half-truth is 90% of the story. The other 10% is tithed to God.”

“Today is 8-9-10. August, 9, 2010. So hooray for Chronologically Ascending Day!”

“I could jump in a small swimming pool or dive in the big ocean, and I’d be equally as wet. So it is with love. Somebody get me a towel.”