“I went on a date last night and things went well. If you must know, I got lucky. I found a four-leaf clover.”

“I had a hot date last night. Things were going well so I took her back to her house, dropped her off, and went home to masturbate.”

“The last time I went speed dating, I brought a radar gun. I got clocked at over 70 miles per hour.”

“I know a woman loves me when she leaves me leftovers in the fridge from the date she went on the night before.”

“If silence is the admission of guilt, then she must be really guilty, because last night I asked her a question and instead of answering, she went to sleep for eight hours.”

“I went on a blind date last night. We watched a silent film. We stayed up all night talking in sign language. I fell asleep in the fetal position in her cat's litter box. Ah, 'twas a great night. I'll never forget dancing with an albino under the stars.”

“I went on a blind date—with a descendent of Helen Keller.”