“I went to a football game once and got punched in the face, but you couldn’t tell because I was already sitting in the nosebleed section.”

“Love is like a zebra refereeing a football game. I should know, because I am the rodeo cowboy riding that zebra.”

“A football could be swapped out for a brick, to make family reunion football games more fun. But I’m calling it right now: I get to be quarterback.
”

“Nothing says I forgive you like a punch in the face.”

“I punched him 14 times in the face, and he didn’t even try to hit me back. He wasn’t a pacifist, but he was already as dead as a slab of meat.”

“I don’t punch walls, because walls don’t punch back. I also don’t punch things that can and do punch back.
”

“I never got to call myself a door-to-door salesman, because, regrettably, I only ever went to one door. But one day I just might knock on another door, to be able to proudly say that I was once a door-to-door salesman.”