“I went to visit my grandma. I meant to stay for two days, but ended up staying two months. (So I overslept a little).”

“One day I want to be so wealthy I can say to my wife, “let’s take a drive—to the end of our driveway and back” and have that be a two-hour round trip.”

“If I told you that my global audience has shot up 100% in the last six months, what would you say? If you were to say, “So you went from one reader to two readers?” you’d be absolutely correct. And after I had congratulated you on your keen guess, I’d thank you for being 50% of my reading base.”

“When I turn thirty, in thirty days or so, I might be feeling old, so I’ll probably call my grandma up, because as old as I’ll feel, she’ll be feeling older. Twelve years older.
”

“Two days ago, Tuesday at 10:10 am, I gave birth to a bagel. And God commanded me to slice up my only begotten bagel in two, and who am I to argue with God? So I did it. Then I ate it. I’m not proud of the last part, but at the time it seemed like the right thing to do.”

“I had to be at work at 8 am this morning, so I set my alarm clock for 7:49. Naturally, my body woke my brain up at 1:11 precisely, and I laid in bed trying to convince myself two things: one, that I function better on little sleep, and two, that I am a genetically modified human that requires 1/8th the required sleep of organically grown men.”

“Dreamland, I couldn’t stay away, because I couldn’t stay awake. I traveled there in my sleep, at 65 miles per hour, while I was driving.”