“I wish my stove came with a Save As button like Word has. That way I could experiment with my cooking and not fear ruining my dinner.”

“I invited my girlfriend over and made her dinner. I didn’t cook, but I did eat her.”

“On TV, I can hit the mute button and silence any moron. I wish real life came with a hush button I could push and enjoy instant quiet.”

“You made me dinner, so I made myself vomit—twice. Once to clear some room in my full stomach so I could eat, and the second time as an expression of what I thought about your cooking.”

“I wish I could sculpt my shadow into my night clone, and it could be out earning me money while I slept, instead of being folded up neatly in my underwear drawer like it is now.
”

“My soul is invisible, like an anorexic’s dinner, but it sure enhances how I feel about my body.”

“A brick could be used as a substitute for the steak my mother-in-law just cooked me. And I asked for medium rare. I wonder what well done would taste and chew like.
”