“I wish somebody would have told my grandpa about the Cold War, so he could have at least put on a jacket.”

“A mafia don could snap his fingers and somebody would snap my neck. But when I snap my fingers, people start dancing. Or at least my clones would.”

“Grandpa always used to make me ride in the bed of his pickup truck, so he could keep up his conversations with the 100-pound sack of manure he kept buckled up in the passenger seat. Grandpa said all they ever talked about was grass, but I know Grandpa used to do a little flirting, too.”

“If somebody kills me, at least I won’t be accused of murder. Well, assuming all my clones have alibis.”

“One thing my grandpa taught me was never fall asleep while swimming. Or, rather, I’m sure he would have taught me that if he had the chance. (He drowned when he was a little boy.)”

“There’s nothing funny about war. Well, aside from this joke Orafoura told me: What did WWI say to WWII? I wish I could tell you the punch line, but the restaurant was so noisy that I didn’t hear it. But I laughed anyway, because I’ll bet it was pretty funny.”

“My grandpa doesn’t even have a grand to his name.”