“I wish the masses of people would all follow my advice, because I'd throw it off a cliff.”

“If I were a mannequin, I'd know people would only want me for my body. But that's OK, because that's how it is now.”

“On your birthday you should throw me a party. This is my advice for everybody, especially my clones.”

“I take my investment advice from my dentist, because he’s just as likely to lose me money as a financial advisor.”

“Sometimes I wish Jim Morrison were still alive, because I'd love to see a concert in which "The Doors" opened up for "The Cars.”

“I don’t think I’d come off well on TV. But if you ever see me on, my advice is to add more bleach and keep scrubbing the screen.”

“The only time I can throw 80 yards is when my football-shaped alarm clock goes off in the morning.”