“I wonder if babies could be made more efficiently on a conveyer belt.”

“I’m like Casanova meets Henry Ford. My reproduction methods are more like production methods one might see in a factory, complete with conveyer belts, mechanical assistance, and cheap labor.”

“Some people wish they could have invented the wheel. But I’m trying to reinvent the wheelbarrow, to more efficiently haul around my bullshit.”

“I once saw the world’s ugliest baby drown. But then I realized, “That’s not a baby, that’s a log. And it’s not drowning, it’s burning.” I wonder what it did to deserve that? It was probably a heretic.”

“I wish art was like money in that the more I made, the more interest it developed and plentiful it became. Money makes money, and if art made art, there’s no prison in this country that could hold my creations.”

“I have so much love that it could stretch around the world’s largest dick. But so what? Bernanke’s belt does that every day.”

“My love is made out of three things: the dawn, the sunrise, and redundancy. I poured you two glasses, which can easily and efficiently be drunk out of one cup.”