“I won’t pick up your bad habits. They look heavy and I’ve got a bad back. Plus, I have my own bad habits already.”

“And then she walked out of my life forever. Too bad she was hitchhiking. I should have picked her up.”

“The bad news is the butcher’s dead. The good news is there’ll be no need for a funeral, and I’ve got enough meat to last for weeks.”

“Burn my eyebrows and call me Bette. But if I’ve got eyebrows, don’t call me Bette—call me Davis. Then let’s make love like The Bad Sister.”

“I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that your house hasn't burned down, you don't have cancer, and your daughter hasn't been raped or murdered. The bad news is that I ran over your dog. And your son. And his wife. But not before I ran out of gas to achieve all of that.”

“Up until I saw the hair in my food, it was delicious. You know, cannibalism isn’t so bad.”

“If a woman says she got a bad haircut, and I agree with her, am I being agreeable, or an asshole?”