“I won't read a book whose pages have been dog-eared, because I'm more of a cat person.”

“Dogs are exceptionally intelligent creatures. My dog, for example, taught me that not only am I a cat person, but that it isn’t really a dog at all, but that it is in fact a cat.”

“Schrödinger’s cat was a Siamese cat, must have been, because if it’s at once alive and dead, it’s a zombie, and the only zombie cats are Siamese cats.”

“I killed a flea this morning. I may have been a bit overzealous, because I accidentally killed the cat too.”

“There should always be one more cat than person, so everyone has one to pet, and I have two to myself.”

“To some dogs I don’t like cats, to some cats I don’t like dogs, and to some people I don’t like. Mostly the people I don’t like are lawyers, lobbyists, and politicians.”

“The book wasn’t half bad. But only because I only read half of it.”