“I would crack a smile, but I don’t like breaking things.”

“I went to school to be a comedian. I was always cracking jokes in class. And after they were cracked, the teacher would try to put them back together.”

“I love like an albino. But I don’t want to get sunburned, so would you please pass the ketchup?”

“To some dogs I don’t like cats, to some cats I don’t like dogs, and to some people I don’t like. Mostly the people I don’t like are lawyers, lobbyists, and politicians.”

“She always looks like she’s about to break into laughter. He always looks like he’s about to break into her house. I don’t care what he takes, so long as it’s me who steals her heart. I’ve already got a buyer lined up in Russia.”

“If I had to believe, I would. But I don’t, and I do.”

“If you could smell my smile, you’d nose how bad I want to kiss you. But you can’t, and I don’t.”