“I would give you all my love, but I’m afraid I’d get nothing in return. And coming from you, nothing is simply much more than I want.”

“I want to gather up all the ink cartridges in the universe, because somewhere, mixed in with all that ink, is the next great American novel. And I’d love nothing more than to drink it.”

“Earwax is nothing more than sound boogers. I’m too congested to hear anything but I love you. Not that I expect you to flick it at me lightly.”

“I’m not selfish. I’d gladly give someone’s life, a more valuable life than my own, while I humbly preserve and keep my own meager life for myself.”

“Love is a boomerang dripped in honey, in that it emanates from me just as surely as it will return to me. Still, I think I’d much rather wash my hands and be done with it.”

“As much as I want to make love to you, I’d rather make love to your clone.”

“As much as I would love to know what you know, I’d much rather eat your brain with a spoon.”